Workshop for "Patriotim [sic] and Global Citizenship"

This is a workshop post referring to the essay, “Patrotim [sic] and Global Citizenship.” First off, the idea and context of the essay are great and unique. It is very enjoyable to think about the ideas presented within the paper, however in the spirit of becoming better writers and working through the writing process there are a few suggestions here in hopes that the author can at least think about them, perhaps the suggestions will open up the authors mind to the possibility of other ways to go about things and to phrase ideas.

1. (a)
The thesis statement the author has written, “In this essay I would like to argue why being patriotic is so important, especially in today’s world when moral values have become increasingly rare and people are facing grave identity crisis,” does not seem to follow the criteria for the thesis statement given by Professor Sullivan. In addition to not following the criteria, there is only two points listed in the thesis as supporting ideas. Perhaps one could think about something like this for their thesis statement, “Although being patriotic is not important to some people, patriotism is the fabric of human interrelations, because many people are lacking moral values, an identity crisis seems to be facing the people of many nations, and because it helps to preserve the character and basis of the culture of a country.” It is just a thought, and the author can make their supporting points any that they would like, then in the following paragraphs, the body of the paper, they can support those points using a lot of the information already presented within the paper.

1. (b)
The thesis statement as the author has written it does pose a position on a controversial topic, and it is located as the last sentence of the first paragraph. However, as stated in the previous paragraph, the thesis should be reworked a little to meet the criteria of the paper.

2.
There are two reasons supporting the claim listed in the thesis statement that the author has presented, “…moral values have become increasingly rare…” and, “…people are facing grave identity crisis.” However, “...moral values have become increasingly rare,” does not seem to have any supporting evidence within the body of the essay. There are also several points given in the last sentence of the essay that could be added to the thesis as supporting reasons, and further expounded upon within the body of the text.

3.
The author is speaking to the global community as a whole and has done a good job in showing this by stating, “It’s a complex ideology with many commendable thoughts that if practiced by everybody would put a permanent period to wars and hostility between fellow human beings.”

4.
The author of this essay definitely gives part of the counterargument in the essay, as a specific example of how the author has presented this, the author states, “…opposition to the concept of patriotism is, to me, rather unrealistic and irrational. The global citizens believe that since everybody on this planet are equal; one must not have any pride in one’s heritage and must not be patriotic.” However it is worth mentioning that when the author states this, it would be beneficial to find wording that did not use the word, “me.”

5.
The title of the essay, “Patriotim [sic] and Global Citizenship,” which is believed to be meant as “Patriotism and Global Citizenship” is a catchy title, however “Global Citizenship” alludes to a concept of being global citizens, or all citizens of one planet, and really does not address the central issue of the essay, which seems to be “Patriotism.” Perhaps a better title would come with something like, “Patriots Unite,” or “Patriots for a Global Citizenship.”

6.
The lead sentence of the essay “Patriotism and Global Citizenship,” is currently, “Coming from India, a country that spent a good part of the past couple centuries as an English colony, I have learnt [sic] over the years to have deep respect for the martyrs that gave their lives to grant us freedom.” The sentence is catchy in some aspects, but perhaps it should be switched to more of an active voice, such as, “Martyrs give their lives to grant us freedom.” And then continue to explain more about the reference, and definitely define who “us” is in the lead sentence.

7.
The essay lacks a conclusion paragraph, however the author does give a few points at the end of the essay that kind of lead to a conclusion. However, it would be more to the point for the author to close the essay with a call to action, or a suggestion as to how the people of the world, the audience of the paper, could become better patriots and help to contribute to the idea of “Global Citizenship.”

All in all a good essay with a lot of potential for a very interesting and persuasive argument. Watch the spelling and grammatical errors as well. I do understand that it's just a rough draft, that's what rough drafts are for, just get your ideas down before you lose them. None the less, in order to make this an "A" paper there need to be some revisions made to it. Good luck, and thank you for the opportunity to read such a fresh concept.